Update on the THNGVBD Day
It has been almost a week since my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, so I thought I'd better update how things are going.
First, I realize I didn't say much about my doctor's appointment, and I know many of you were praying for that visit and have been praying for us as we struggle with infertility. The appointment was great in many ways, but incredibly hard in others. The doctor specializes in laparoscopic surgery, endometriosis, and infertility, so it was a blessing to have a good twenty minutes with him just asking questions, sharing our story, and feeling heard. He was very empathetic and affirmed how difficult a journey this has been for us. The difficult part came when he said we've done what there is to do, at least up to the point of IVF. We have even taken the path that he would have given us, the only difference being he would have done the surgery earlier instead of later. The problem we have is simple: endometriosis has caused a lot of damage, and the damage can't be undone. No doubt I have had endometriosis since I was a young girl, so there has been about fifteen years that this has gone on. My surgery in January attempted to clean up some of the problem and put it on hold for awhile, but permanent damage to my ovaries or tubes can't be fixed. What's worse, there is just no way to know what the extent of the damage looks like inside my ovaries or tubes.
His best guess would be that I am ovulating at least some of the time, and that fertilization could even be taking place, but there is a problem getting the egg from the ovary through the fallopian tubes to the uterus. Because of this, I could be a good candidate for IVF, the procedure I had ruled out a long time ago due to the cost and issues that come with it. He also said the doctor I've been seeing is excellent, the best around here, and the only other doctor he'd recommend is at Stanford. Even this doctor would likely do the same types of things, though.
So...it was hard to hear, but also good to know that the last couple of years haven't been wasted. I've been seeing someone who is the best. I've done a good variety of treatments. And I've hopefully put a hold on the endometriosis spreading. But I was hoping there'd be some type of miracle treatment, and it doesn't exist.
I can't explain what it feels like to have such a problem with the basic thing that women are supposed to be able to do. It follows me and my thoughts everywhere. God blesses us immensely, but my heart still aches, and I wonder how this could ever truly be okay.
There are two huge options before us, and in all honesty, we haven't a clue what we want to do. We could consider IVF and save up for that procedure, which is anywhere from $13 - $18,000 dollars with zero guarantee that it would work. (Yep, I'm just putting it out there, so people understand the HUGENESS of this option.) We could adopt, of course, which is so beautiful in theory but so hard to actually begin processing. That too would have a cost, but nothing compared to the IVF. There are other less likely options people have: foster care, surrogacy, not having children, but these don't really fit with us.
You see how overwhelmed we are! In the midst of processing the facts, we also have to process the options. And we also have to fit all of this in with the truths of God, that God does perform miracles, that God does have our best in mind, that God is wholly good all of the time. We have to recognize when to wait and when to act, when to "pray about it" and when to take the step of faith.
Besides that, the rest of that bad day has worked itself out pretty well. My root canal went wonderfully, and if you know me and the anxiety I have with dental work (another post for another day), you know this is a miracle in itself! I was able to fix up my real classroom fairly quickly and was happy that I had inadvertently helped another teacher get his room ready. Our car is running better than ever, and my hair stylist squeezed me in this week, so I'll have pretty hair in a few days. And on Friday we were able to spend a whole day with our wonderful friends Ben and Steph at the "Happiest Place on Earth" - Disneyland! (Post to come, but see Steph's post for some great pictures!) God is good and present even in these small, daily things.
I know we don't know exactly why God allows things to happen to us. But one of my theories is that difficult things make us "soft" people, if that makes sense. It makes us people whose hearts are moldable and open to the Lord, whose hearts break easily for others. Yesterday's church service was so meaningful to me, not because of the music or the message necessarily, but because my heart was broken and God was able to love me and speak to me in that brokenness. I had more compassion for others because I recognize that everyone must have something in their lives that makes them feel like I do right now. And I recognize more than ever the desperate need we have for communion with God and with God's people.
So...thank you for being God's loving people to me. We love your prayers and support, and we look forward to sharing with you how God brings us through this journey and provides us with a family someday.