Saturday, April 9, 2011

Bleeding Heart


This morning, as I was doing a few dishes, I looked out my window and smiled at the new plant greeting me.  Isn't it beautiful?  This is called a Bleeding Heart, appropriately named, I suppose.  It is a lovely plant with delicate soft leaves and these amazing heart-shaped flowers that drop from the stems.  I've always admired these, so when we saw one for a nice price at the nursery yesterday and knew we actually had a shady planter where such a plant could live, we bought it.

I didn't think about it then, but I realize now that a more appropriate plant couldn't have been purchased. We have had a hard week, my husband and me, full of a lot of tears and--you guessed it--broken hearts.  Although I haven't shared this openly on this particular blog, we have been trying to have a baby for years, at least four at our best count, but probably longer.  Almost two years of this time has been spent seeing a fertility specialist and undergoing fertility treatments, the surgery in January being yet another one of those steps, all of which are costly, time-consuming, and just plain uncomfortable.  This week, we found out that our fifth IUI* wasn't successful.  It was a harder blow this week, though, because I had been on newer, more aggressive injections, and things looked so good.  I had never believed as much as I did this month that a baby could actually be in our near future.  So when the test was negative again, we were devastated.  On top of that, we had decided a couple weeks ago that we were not going to continue treatments for a number of reasons, at least not for awhile, perhaps a long while.

I decided to finally share this because this struggle has been the most defining thing in my character.  We all have our trials and thorns, and for us at this time, this is it.  I have blessings upon blessings in my life, the greatest of which is Christ, but I am still heart-broken over this empty place in our lives.  Yet I know that God has used this struggle to strengthen me and mold me to be more like Him, and He has done the same thing in Robby's life.  Perhaps it's not correct to say that our struggles define us, but they no doubt--more than our successes and joys--build our faith and our character.  Knowing that even the most difficult things in our life have purpose in God's plan is what keeps us going.

Another reason I wanted to share this is because those who have walked with us through our struggle--and it has been dark at times for us--have been lights of encouragement.  And somehow in God's grace, we have been able to encourage, as well, which is a mystery to me.  Perhaps more will join with this mutual encouragement taking place and will add us to their prayers.

So, my blog will continue to be what it is: a place where I talk about our little "nest" together, the recipes I love and the projects we tackle, the people (and animals!) who are dear to us and the events going on in our church and community, the books that need to be read by all and the deals that need to be gotten by all.  These are light and wonderful things that God intended to be part of life, and they are good and important.  But I also may find my heart wants to share a bit of the deeper things of my life, the areas where God's hand is working in a more visible way, shaping me, as well as my sweetie, to be the woman and man He wants us to be.

*IUI=Intrauterine insemination.  Read more about it here.

3 comments:

  1. Well summarized Candace. I am sure that your readers will be encouraged by your openness and take comfort in the fact that they aren't the only ones struggling with the difficult issues of life. These social network devices can allow people to "look" perfect and become sources of enmity between "friends". It is brave to not allow your life to look that way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Candace~~how my heart aches for you. Your post brought love felt tears to my heart! I still remember my heart aching, my soul hurting, and my faith being tested beyond what I thought God would ever put me through. Reading your post brought back all those feeling and how devasted we were so many years ago. I, as you, do not know what God has in store for you and your husband, nor did we. What I do KNOW is how you feel, exactly! I also know how blessed you are to have such a wondereful place to share you heart with other women who may or may not have been through your struggles, but know you are in our thoughts and always in our prayers Candace! Hugs and blessings to you Sweetie. Renee' (Steph's Mom)

    ReplyDelete
  3. candace thank you for sharing...i can't imagine what the past four years have been like for you. my heart grieves for you & robby, yet hopes in the God we serve that He can do the impossible. you are in my prayers, and i would love to hear more about this journey for you. wish we lived closer :)

    ReplyDelete

Leave a little love! (It makes my day!)